Spritzophrenia

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Posts Tagged ‘The Universe’

The Universe Is Out To Get Me

Posted by spritzophrenia on December 9, 2010

Funny news, especially in light of our discussion on what “The Universe” might be:

Universe Admits To Wronging Area Man His Entire Life

‘Dave’s Got A Right To Be Angry,’ Says Cosmos
MINNEAPOLIS—Following decades of allegations from the 44-year-old data processor, the vast conglomeration of all matter and energy known as the universe admitted Tuesday that it was directly responsible for every single hardship in the life of Dave Schwartz, and apologized for continually foiling him at every turn.

“Dave has good reason to say the universe is conspiring against him, because, well, it is,” said the cosmos, acknowledging that it has thwarted Schwartz’s hopes and dreams from the moment of his conception. “He may sound melodramatic when he goes on and on about the whole world having turned against him, but he’s actually not that far off. The forces of time and nature genuinely want him to fail at life, and fail hard.”

“So, yes, his anger and frustration are totally understandable,” the universe added. “Pointless and futile, but totally understandable.”

Universe

The rest of the spoof is at the Onion. Seriously though, what do people mean when they talk about “The Universe”? You can read about that here.

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