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The Universe Is Out To Get Me

Posted by spritzophrenia on December 9, 2010

Funny news, especially in light of our discussion on what “The Universe” might be:

Universe Admits To Wronging Area Man His Entire Life

‘Dave’s Got A Right To Be Angry,’ Says Cosmos
MINNEAPOLIS—Following decades of allegations from the 44-year-old data processor, the vast conglomeration of all matter and energy known as the universe admitted Tuesday that it was directly responsible for every single hardship in the life of Dave Schwartz, and apologized for continually foiling him at every turn.

“Dave has good reason to say the universe is conspiring against him, because, well, it is,” said the cosmos, acknowledging that it has thwarted Schwartz’s hopes and dreams from the moment of his conception. “He may sound melodramatic when he goes on and on about the whole world having turned against him, but he’s actually not that far off. The forces of time and nature genuinely want him to fail at life, and fail hard.”

“So, yes, his anger and frustration are totally understandable,” the universe added. “Pointless and futile, but totally understandable.”


The rest of the spoof is at the Onion. Seriously though, what do people mean when they talk about “The Universe”? You can read about that here.


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One Response to “The Universe Is Out To Get Me”

  1. SugarPop said

    Te he he – love The Onion!

    If I *put it out to the Universe* and the Universe responds, then it is *responsible* and I am grateful. Interesting to note that what I *put out* there tends to be things that will positively affect me. How easy it is to forget that some of life’s hardest lessons can provide the most unexpected silver linings.

    If we are to believe in this thing called the Universe (which I personally believe is just a secular word for God – based on my own journey away from Christianity, through the New Age and out the other side), then surely the Universe is not just a fair-weather friend? I am far from *perfect* and am deeply flawed, so to think that I only *deserve* good things from the Universe is to deny the Whole of Me.

    These musings are far from complete, and as usual, I’m left with more questions than answers.

    Thanks for the humourous post – sometimes we take matters of faith and self altogether far too seriously! Humour is a g0d-given gift 🙂

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