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Twelve Steps for the Recovering New Ager

Posted by spritzophrenia on October 28, 2010

I’ve been researching a popular New Age writer who, it seems to me, hasn’t been entirely honest about her past. More on that in the future. In the meantime, a New Age believer who’s ditched a lot of her former beliefs shared this on one of the forums I was reading.

Twelve Steps for the Recovering New Ager

Step One
“We admitted we were powerless over the New Age and that our Higher Selves had turned us into flakes.”

Step Two
“We came to believe that a powerful bullshit detector could restore us to sanity.”

Step Three
“We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of our lower selves and a good psychiatrist.”

Astral Projection Kit

This is not a joke.

Step Four
“Made a searching and fearless disposal of our crystals, tarot decks, incense, angel cards, rising signs, wands, spells, medicine wheels, pendulums and lottery tickets.”

Step Five
“Admitted to God, our Guru and our seminar leader the exact nature of our delusion.”

Step Six
“Were entirely ready to take back our mind, body and spirit.”

Step Seven
“Humbly asked our Higher Power to f**k off.”

Step Eight
“Made a list of all the New Age assholes we’d been nice to and vowed to treat them all like sh#t.”

Step Nine
“Insulted the New Age wherever possible, especially when to do so made us look bad.”

Step Ten
“Continued to take personal inventory and, when we were wrong, promptly relished in it.”

Step Eleven
“Sought through television and newspapers to improve our conscious contact with humanity, concentrating only on our ability to understand what the hell was really happening in the world.”

Step Twelve
“Having avoided a paradigm shift as the result of these steps, we vowed to carry the NAA message to New Agers everywhere and to practice being ordinary in all our affairs.”

You can find lots more here.

By the way, that picture up there? I found it with a random search. The guy is serious!

What do you think?

6 Responses to “Twelve Steps for the Recovering New Ager”

  1. dogcicle said

    i couldnt get the link to work……i’ll try later tonite its a very interesting post and i wanna read more

  2. Crystal said

    Lol… Loved it. Good stuff Jonathan. 🙂

  3. I will not get rid of my Tarot cards Jon. Offensive much?

  4. lunargrrrl said

    I’m with Crystal, thanks for sharing these! I read through to the other site and nearly fainted from laughing at the glossary of New Speak. Also, my Astral Projection Kit is on its way. I sprang the extra $49 for the… oil. Ya know, to keep my “Astral body in motion.”

  5. SugarPop said


    As a recovering New Ager, I really enjoyed this post – WHERE WERE NAA WHEN I NEEDED THEM???

    But seriously – I’ve been through both the conservative Christian and the New Age mill, both for the same reasons – to connect with God. Both approaches left me wanting.

    Alas I have singularly failed to complete step 4 per the NAA credo above – but don’t judge me for that! Like Romy, I will continue to retain my Tarot cards – they sit quite comfortably next to my bible. As a syncretist (and perhaps pluralist?) I reserve the right to possess, borrow and use whatever paraphernalia I chose in my quest to meet and connect with God – I assume she is at home and is listening! If not, what kind of fool am I? A happy one 😀

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