Spritzophrenia

humour, music, life, sociology. friendly agnostic.

Satan Replies

Posted by spritzophrenia on January 16, 2010

For those who aren’t aware, US TV evangelist and one-time presidential candidate Pat Robertson stated that in the recent tragic earthquake Haiti got punished for a pact with the devil. Here’s the devil’s response:

Dear Pat Robertson,

I know that you know that all press is good press, so I appreciate the shout-out. And you make God look like a big mean bully who kicks people when they are down, so I’m all over that action.

But when you say that Haiti has made a pact with me, it is totally humiliating. I may be evil incarnate, but I’m no welcher. The way you put it, making a deal with me leaves folks desperate and impoverished.

Sure, in the afterlife, but when I strike bargains with people, they first get something here on earth — glamour, beauty, talent, wealth, fame, glory, a golden fiddle. Those Haitians have nothing, and I mean nothing. And that was before the earthquake. Haven’t you seen “Crossroads”? Or “Damn Yankees”?

If I had a thing going with Haiti, there’d be lots of banks, skyscrapers, SUVs, exclusive night clubs, Botox — that kind of thing. An 80 percent poverty rate is so not my style. Nothing against it — I’m just saying: Not how I roll.

You’re doing great work, Pat, and I don’t want to clip your wings — just, come on, you’re making me look bad. And not the good kind of bad. Keep blaming God. That’s working. But leave me out of it, please. Or we may need to renegotiate your own contract.

Best, Satan

(actually Lilly Coyle from Minneapolis)

'Satan' by Øyvind Haagensen, Norway
‘Satan’ by Øyvind Haagensen, Norway. I blog more about Satan here and here.

Mr Robertson is a prize doofus. He’s forgotten the words of his own saviour:

There were some present at that time who told Jesus about the Galileans whose blood Pilate had mixed with their sacrifices. Jesus answered, “Do you think that these Galileans were worse sinners than all the other Galileans because they suffered this way? I tell you, no! But unless you repent, you too will all perish. Or those eighteen who died when the tower in Siloam fell on them—do you think they were more guilty than all the others living in Jerusalem?

It’s pretty clear that Jesus wasn’t into blaming disaster on the sins of the people. Shame his followers can’t be as gracious.

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2 Responses to “Satan Replies”

  1. I’m stealing this for forum posts and emails…don’t worry, I’ll link to you for credit. 🙂
    Seriously, this is awesome.

  2. […] https://spritzophrenia.wordpress.com/2010/01/16/satan-replies/ […]

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